Day Three…

Today is day three since I found out about my daughter’s God Father committing suicide.  All my life I have never dealt with this first hand.  I know of some people who have family or friends who have committed suicide, I’ve read about all these celebrities committing suicide, etc. however, it has never hit home.  Until now!

Since Friday my family (husband, boys, and myself) have been dealing with the raw emotions of finding out that our friend/family member chose to commit suicide because he felt alone and was in a dark place that he felt like no one was in his corner.  However, that is far from the truth.  Now that he’s gone, it is apparent that he had so many people in his corner that all he had to do was reach out and ask for help.  He never did though.

My husband has been taking his death very hard these past few days and he called this morning to talk.  He began by saying he couldn’t understand why he was taking this death much harder than his grandmother’s.  I explained to him that his grandmother’s death was expected and due to natural causes because of her age.  His friend’s death was a complete shock to him because it was unexpected.  No one would have expected this from this man.  I told him that it’s natural to feel shock because it was unexpected and because it was a suicide.  It’s not like he died unexpectedly because of an accident; he chose to end his life and no one knew it was coming.  It’s a shock to all!  I am grateful that my husband feels comfortable enough to express his feelings of shock, hurt, anger, disappointment, etc.  I’m grateful that I am able to listen to him with an open mind and use the skills I have learned over the last 8+ years while working on my Psychology Degrees.

I truly believe that God put me on the path of Psychology to prepare me for this very moment.  I am able to understand why this man took his life and I am able to help my husband and my children understand that as well.  I am able to listen to them and give them advice as well as explain things they have questions to.  It makes me feel like I am accomplishing what I was meant to do.  It’s sad that it had to happen this way.  Nonetheless, I am happy to be able to help them grieve.

Regardless of what is going on in our lives and no matter how alone we think we are, we are never alone.

Some advice….. There is always ONE PERSON who you mean the world to.  You are NEVER ALONE!  Ask for help even when you feel like you don’t need it.  Speak to people who you trust and know that no matter the circumstances surrounding you, you have a way out that does not have to go down the dark path.

YOU HAVE PEOPLE IN YOUR CORNER AT ALL TIMES!!!

I wish you knew that Larry… You were and will always be loved.  You had more than enough people in your corner.  We would have never left your side!

Much Love, Hugs, & Kisses!

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We all know “ONE”…

We go through life so focused on ourselves and our own lives not noticing the obvious signs of mental illness and suicide that surround us. Whether those signs are coming from family and/or friends, those signs are present.

I’m sure everyone knows someone who has committed suicide or knows someone who knew someone that committed suicide. We all know “ONE” person who has been affected by suicide; OR WE ARE THAT PERSON!!! The sad reality is, we will never truly know why the person did it and what they were feeling. The one thing that is obvious is that they were not looking to hurt us with their decision to end it, they were looking to stop the hurt they felt within themselves.

A very close friend/family member of my immediate family (my daughters God Father) committed suicide a few days ago and before that day I did not know anyone (personally) who had committed suicide. I knew friends who knew people but no one myself. He had a hard time the last year and a half. He had some legal issues & medical issues which contributed to personal issues. However, he never looked defeated or lost or even sad or depressed. He always had a smile on his face and that right there should have been the first sign that something wasn’t right. The next sign was him isolating himself from everyone. We should have known something was wrong and we should have reached out. Unfortunately, we knew nothing.

In life we come across obstacles that are both easy and hard. It’s how we react and deal with those obstacles that make all the difference. The biggest cliché is “talking will help make things better” but as much of a cliche that is, it’s true. Having someone to talk to who will listen to you is one of the most crucial things anyone can do. Most people just need to realize that they do have people who love them and who can listen without judgment. They just need those people to step up even when they don’t ask for an ear.

Suicide is at an all time high right now. There are way too many people choosing to commit suicide over choosing to live life. It’s a sad reality and it’s everyone’s job to stop being so oblivious to the people around them and start opening your eyes wider to the signs that are clearly visible.

Know the Signs

Remember it’s too late to do anything after they’re gone. Let’s be more aware of our surroundings and our loved ones and help prevent suicide. Let’s help them get help.

Much Love, Hugs, & Kisses!

Feeling Like You’re Not Enough…

Have you ever gone through your day, through your normal daily routine (get up, take kids to school or sitter, go to work, go pick up kids, go home, help with homework, cook dinner, clean up after dinner, etc.) and still feel as though you’re not enough for your family?!?!  You’re not alone, most moms feel that way. If you don’t feel that way then kudos to you, tell me your secret. 

As moms we have a tendency to be extremely hard on ourselves because we have this idea in our heads that society says we should be “stay at home moms” or “make home cooked meals every night” or “sign our kids up for whatever sport/activity they want”. Well that’s not reality!  Reality is being there for your child when they need you the most. Reality is guiding your child down the right path in life to help make them a productive member of society. Reality is going to bed every night and still having a ton of things that you didn’t get to finish that day.  Not every moms reality is the same but for the most part many moms deal with similar feelings of inadequacy. 
Us moms have to stop being so hard on ourselves.  We are one person trying to do the job of three or four people. We have to juggle many tasks and learn how to manage our time wisely in order to get everything done. However, we also have to learn to accept the fact that life isn’t perfect and that there are no perfect moms or families. What society says you should be as a mom and what social media shows you isn’t reality. People on social media who look like they have their act together only show you what they want to show you so that it makes their life seem perfect. 

No one is perfect!!  No one’s family is perfect!! Live your life according to your rules and your life will be fulfilling. 

Much Love, Hugs & Kisses!

Milestones Throughout Our Life’s Journey

So as the summer comes to an end, I sit and I think to myself that this has been a great summer. Although my family and I didn’t do much we still got to spend time together and enjoy one another’s company and that in and of itself is a great thing. 

As the summer ends a new school year begins for my boys and this is a milestone year for them. My oldest, Justin, will be a senior in high school and my youngest, Tony, will be an eighth grader. They both graduate this year and just the thought of them growing up brings tears to my eyes. 

My Boys, My Loves
 
Besides the milestones of both graduating this year there are also three other milestones that we are celebrating all within the next 7 weeks. Tony will be turning “13”, my baby girl Alexis will be turning “1” and Justin will be turning “18”. I’m filled with so many emotions because my first born will be considered a young adult, my second born will officially be a “teenager” and my baby girl is no longer an infant. Her age is no longer celebrated in months, but now years. 

My Angel sent from above
 
Time has gone by so fast over the last couple of years that I feel like I need to slow down to enjoy all these precious moments with my beautiful family. I need to make the memories last for more than just the instant in which they occur. I need to breath in the scents and admire the scenery so that I can appreciate all the things (good and bad) in my life, and realize that everything that is going on in my life at this moment is supposed to happen. I just need to embrace it and cherish it. 

We are given one life to live. How we live that life is up to us and no one else. Cherish the life you are given and learn to live each day as if it were your last day here. 

  • Don’t harp on the things you can’t control. 
  • Don’t focus on the negative.  
  • Don’t let anyone make you feel less than what you know you are. 

Being true to yourself is the only way to live. So be true to the person you are and be thankful that you have this life to live. Don’t take for granted anything or anyone in your life. 

Cherish these kinds of gifts, as they are gifts from God!

Much Love, Hugs & Kisses!

Love ’em but can’t stand ’em!

So…every once in a while I have conversations with my children that drive me absolutely insane! I love my children to death!  I would die for them and I would kill for them. They are my life, my heart and my soul and they are the reasons why I do what I do.  But… (Yes there is a BUT)… sometimes the shit that comes out of their mouths irks me to no end and then what happens!?!? I can’t stand them in that moment!

This morning while driving to work my 13 year old sends me a text while I’m stuck in this God awful traffic on Route 287 N (in NJ). Now, if you’re from NJ you know exactly what I’m talking about… It is utterly ridiculous! Anyway, voice text is my best friend! Sorry, Back to the story. 

He sends me a text that reads: 

“Do I have to wear school uniform can I just wear addida pants” (he means Adidas, LOL and no he didn’t use punctuation… I wonder what the hell teachers actually teach in school these days). 

Sorry sorry, got sidetracked and went on a mini rant. 

Anywho, my response is “Are you allowed to wear regular clothes?” And he says “No but everyone is doing it”. So let’s stop here for a moment and think about what he said and what your reaction would be as a mother.  (I’ll wait……). 

Ok, so that’s the worst possible thing he could have ever said to me. (not the worse but you know what I mean). 

So right before he sent that to me and right after I sent my initial response I was going to change my mind and say ok go in your adidas pants, since it’s the last two days of school. However, I saw that response and it was almost as if something took over my brain and infuriated me that I said “fuck that, he’s wearing his uniform”. So my response to him was “Then no, wear your uniform. Just because everyone is doing it doesn’t mean you should”.  

Now you would think the conversation would be over and we’d be done and I could go to work in peace. But NOOOOOOO… That couldn’t be! 

Here’s the rest of our conversation:

Antonio: But I don’t want to wear jeans

Antonio: It shouldn’t matter tomorrow is the last day

Me: You can wear regular clothes tomorrow for the last day of school.

Antonio: Come on it’s gym i do not want to wear jeans today it’s going to be hot

Me: No, wear your uniform and tomorrow you can wear what you want. 

Antonio: Forget it ill just wear it

Me: Ok

Me: Watch your tone Antonio. You don’t wanna start your summer on punishment. 

Antonio: These jeans just look like I’m wearing girl jeans

Me: You’ve been wearing the same damn jeans all year long. Now all of a sudden they look like you’re wearing girl jeans. Wear them and stop it! I’ll remember before school starts to not buy you skinny jeans anymore because that’s what those are. 

Antonio: Well I grow and now they look like girl jeans (he meant grew LOL)

7:27am Me: Well you didn’t have an issue with them last week. 

7:35am Me: Hopefully you’re done and are already on your way out the door. 

7:42am Me: Did you leave yet?

He finally answers me 15 minutes later LMAO

Antonio: Yes I’m at school

Me: So why didn’t you text me to tell me?

So he read my last text at 7:42 a.m. And it’s 8:57a.m. and still no response. So… Do you think he’s mad!? Nah, he just typed out a response and forgot to hit send because he was going into school for breakfast. 😂 Nope, not true. He hates me right now and I don’t care. 

Now, as a mom of two teenage boys, I understand that wearing a uniform to school isn’t ideal but it’s school policy and they have to learn to just deal with it. Regardless, like I have stated before – I love my kids to death but sometimes on days like this I just can’t stand them.

Much Love, Hugs & Kisses!

Is It Compassion/Empathy or Is It Coddling?

Growing up I was raised to show compassion towards others and to empathize whenever I could. When you empathize with another human being you are showing them that you understand where they are coming from because you have been there. When you show a person compassion you are taking action on those feelings of empathy and doing something that will make them feel better, to a certain degree.

Now in my personal opinion, a person who lacks empathy and/or compassion is basically showing others that they could care less about how another individual is feeling and how they’re affected by their grief and loss. They are expecting that person to get over it and move on. However, I feel as though no one should dictate to another human being when they should move on or when they should stop grieving. Everyone deals with grief in their own way and on their own timeline. Only the person who has faced such a loss can say when “they’re” ready to stop grieving and when “they’re” ready the move on. No one else gets that right!  What do you think?

Now the reason behind this blog is because this morning I was having a conversation with someone about why I didn’t go to the cemetery yesterday for Father’s Day to visit my dad. My son just lost his dad and this was going to be the first holiday where he couldn’t call and celebrate with his dad and he has no cemetery to go to (long story, maybe I’ll do a blog about it someday). So I understand the feelings my son is experiencing so I thought I would show some compassion and just not go this year so that he wouldn’t get depressed or sad. He has been doing so good lately because he hasn’t had a breakdown of uncontrollable crying and I surely didn’t want to start one.

During this conversation I was told “These kids are going to have to learn how to deal with and do things for themselves if you continue to coddle them they never will”. Now I was under the impression that coddling meant me doing things for them that they are more than capable of doing for themselves.  I was under the impression that I was being empathetic and compassionate towards my child and what he was going through. Am I wrong? Was I just coddling him?  I’m so confused!

Regardless of what people think I do not always coddle my children.  I don’t coddle my oldest and with my youngest I am working hard (deep within myself) to let him become more independent but that’s hard when you’re dealing with a child who has ADHD and doesn’t pay close attention to what he’s doing because it’s difficult for him , that’s another blog! LOL

Overall, I think I have done a great job raising my boys alone (until my husband came along) and they are well mannered and independent.  If they had to take care of themselves for days, they could.  If I’m around they know that I will always do for them because I “want” to not because I’m “coddling” them.  They know how to cook for themselves (they will call and ask for help if they need to LOL) and they know what needs to be done.  If I still lived at home with my mom and dad I know they’d still do things for me but just as I have taught my boys, they taught me how to be self sufficient so I could manage on my own; but why would I if my parents offered to do things for me??

All I am saying is that every time a parent does something for their kids to make their kids feel loved or simply because they want to do it for their kids does that mean they’re coddling them?  I don’t think so.

Much Love, Hugs &Kisses!